


Fear, Guilt, Revelation

by Prettywitchiusaka



Category: Codename: Kids Next Door
Genre: F/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Secret Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-12-18 20:58:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11882706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prettywitchiusaka/pseuds/Prettywitchiusaka
Summary: Originally written in May 2009.Numbuh 60 has had reccurring nightmares about ZERO, as well as feelings of guilt towards Rachel's damnation. But what happens when she tries to confront him about it? Of Fragile Leaders and Terrorists tie-in





	Fear, Guilt, Revelation

There was nothing. Nothing but a hazy, endless abyss as Patton Drilovsky, or Numbuh 60 continued to run. He wasn't sure where he was running to or why he was running in the first place, all he knew was that he was tired and that he had to keep running because for some reason his life depended on it.

"Going somewhere?", replied an old, evil, arrogant British sounding voice that caused the young Drill Sergeant to stop in his tracks. Looking around to see where the voice was coming from, he finally stopped to face the person whom the voice belonged to. And as he did, he could not help but allow his face to twitch into a face mixed of anger and hate, for the person he stood to face was none other than Grandfather.

"You", replied the raven haired boy, his voice clearly filled with hatred and anger as he did so.

"Oh come now my boy", said the satanic demon as he faked a disappointed look on his face. "Is that anyway to treat your enemies? I admit I'm not the most pleasant person you'll ever meet, but even so I'd prefer a little respect from my advisar-"

"Enough cit-chat!", the raven haired boy angrily yelled as he whipped out a 2x4 gun from his cargo pants, aiming the gun at his nemesis. "Why are you here!?"

Upon hearing that phrase, the old villain quickly flew over towards his enemy and grabbed a hold of the gun. Immediately the gun began to slowly change in shape as Grandfather's reality warping powers began to take affect, causing a surprised Patton to throw away the gun before it had any affect on him. Upon regaining his cool, he looked back to face his elderly foe, who now had his trademark evil grin plastered onto his face.

"While I hate to disappoint you, I didn't come here to fight. I came here to talk", replied the elderly villain as he crossed his arms.

"Talk? You?", the raven haired boy asked, chuckling in disbelief. "That's a joke."

"Oh I don't think you'll find this a joke in the least", the satanic demon said rather confidently. "After all...I came to check up on you."

"On me?", Patton asked, a suspicious tone clearly visible in his voice.

"Yes", he replied. "Checking up on you regarding our little deal."

Upon hearing that statement, Patton cringed as the memories of that incident began to resurface. His memories of making a deal with Grandfather to sell his soul, his reason for selling his soul, and the ultimate price that came with it, the damnation of his secretly beloved. Knowing he had the young Drill Sergeant right where he wanted, the elderly villain began to circle the young boy, and evil smirk clearly detailed on his old face as he did so.  
"So...how have you been since our little deal?", the satanic demon asked in a curious yet arrogant tone, patiently awaiting his answer.

And after a moment of silence, he finally would receive his answer as Patton opened his mouth to speak.

"I can't let go of what happened", the raven haired boy began in a whispered tone. " I did things...things I would never do...And it doesn't matter wether I was being controlled or not...I should've been able to wake up and protect the ones I love...but I couldn't...I even sold my soul to save the one I love the most...and in the end I betrayed her...My love should have been able to protect her and yet it didn't...it hurt her...

"How tragic", replied the elderly villain as he chuckled evilly, amused by the boys pain. "And I assume your 'precious' beloved is unaware of what you did to save her?", he asked.

"No...", Patton replied in the same whispered tone, his gentle black eyes beginning to cloud over with guilt. "I mean...how could I tell her what I did? I don't know how she'll react. Let alone, I don't know how well she'll react to what I feel about her...what I truly feel about her..."

"I see", replied the elderly villain. 'Oh well, I'm certain that even if she knew, she'd agree that you're an impulsive fool", Grandfather replied in a calm yet cocky tone, causing Patton to look up in shock as his enemy floated away from him.

"What!?", the young Drill Sergeant shouted in an angry tone.

'Oh come now my boy, it doesn't take a genius to understand that you are ruled my impulsive nature", the satanic demon said in a cynical, yet calculating tone.

"That's not true!", Patton replied in an angry tone.

"But it is", the satanic demon replied in the same cynical tone.

"Wether you are willing to admit it or not, you are impulsive by nature", the elderly villain began as Patton stood there, taking in his enemies words. "There are two factors that always enact your impulsive nature, as well as your ultimate downfall. The first is that you are too selfless" Grandfather replied.

"Too selfless?", the raven haired boy asked, cocking an eyebrow in confusion as he did so.

"Yes, too selfless", the elderly villain continued. "You care too much for the lives of others. So much so that you don't care what happens to yourself as long as they are safe."

A moment of silence occurred as the satanic demon finished his sentence, awaiting an answer from the raven haired boy who was absorbing all of this information. And the thing that the boy realized as he absorbed this information was that Grandfather was right, he was too selfless. Refusing to give in however, he decided that he was ready to tell his enemy his thoughts. Having formulated an answer, Patton looked back towards the man he hated with a violent passion and opened his mouth to speak.

"Fine. So what if I am too selfless? It's better than being an ungrateful, selfish bastard like you", the young Drill Sergeant replied in a rather harsh tone.

"Perhaps", the elderly villain began. "But it doesn't help that you don't think of the consequences in your actions."

"Consequences?", replied the raven haired boy as he stood there in shock.

"Yes, the consequences", the elderly villain continued. "You may be willing to give up your life for someone, but because you're so willing to do so you don't stop to think what might happen if you did this or how they would feel if you did something."  
"So what if I sacrifice myself to save others!?", the young Drill Sergeant replied. "It doesn't affect them!"

"But it does", the satanic demon replied. "Whether you knew them or not they'd still be concerned if you died or were even injured trying to save them. But then again, I shouldn't expect someone who sold their soul to save their 'precious' Supreme Leader, only to have the consequences shift to her to understand."

"You were the one who stabbed me in the back with that contract!", the raven haired boy shouted in an angry tone, his hands beginning to clench into fists. " I had no intention of hurting her!"

"True", the satanic demon began. "But your impulsive decision to save her only created consequences for both of you in the long run. But even if she was aware of what had occurred, she probably wouldn't have been happy to hear what you had done. In fact, you're right in not telling her what you did. After all...how would she feel if she knew you foolishly sacrificed yourself for her. And yet you did it anyway because you were afraid of losing her, which brings me us to another impulsive flaw of yours...your fear...

Upon hearing that phrase, Patton felt himself become confused. as well as angered by that statement.

"Wha...What are you talking about!?" the young Drill Sergeant asked in an annoyed tone. "I fear nothing! Not even you!"

"Oh I wouldn't know about that", the satanic demon replied in a cocky tone. "Impulse is usually generated by fear, and since you are usually controlled by your impulsiveness, it would be safe to say that you have a lot of fear inside of you."

"Oh really?", the young Drill Sergeant replied in a stern yet cocky tone. "And just how does my impulsiveness prove that I'm fearful?"

"Because of the way you act", the elderly villain replied, causing a look of shock to form on Patton's face as he did so.

"What?", the young Drill Sergeant asked as a look of shock remained on his face.

"Think about it", the satanic demon replied. "Your profession is a Drill Sergeant and yet you allow your fear to rule your better judgment. Though you will not admit it, you're afraid of losing your loved ones, even the lives of innocent bystanders. You're so afraid of losing what you value and your values that you act impulsively, causing you to act foolishly and irrationally. You're even afraid of me."

"I told you, you don't scare me!", the raven haired boy snapped back at his foe.

"Oh but I do, thought you refuse to admit it", the satanic demon began as an evil smirk formed on his face once more. "In essence, that actually makes you quite pathetic for your position. You're a Drill Sergeant and yet you fear me. The mere thought of me and what I can do frightens you. That's not something real Drill Sergeants do. A real Drill Sergeant wouldn't let a villain like me beat him into submission, he would fight me to the end and hold back nothing, something you should've done. But then again, I guess I'm expecting too much from an incompetent, impulsive fool."

The elderly villain continued to smirk at his enemy after finishing his sentence, feeling himself become amused by the boy's pain once more as he watched the young Drill Sergeant's face turn into shock, clearly absorbing everything he'd just said.

"There's no need to deny it", the satanic demon replied as he continued to sneer amusingly at his enemy. "After all...what has being impulsive done for you really? It hasn't done much good for you if anything. All it's ever really done is bring misery to you and those around you. In fact, your impulsive nature is what helped further the downfall of the Kids Next Door. It's quite sad really, you try so hard to be the best you can be, but in the end you're nothing more than an incompetent, impulsive, worthless fool. You can't protect anyone or anything, not even yourself."

Upon hearing that phrase, a look of realization came across Patton's face as he took in all of this information. After reflecting this information for a minute or so, the raven haired boy realized that hsi enemy was right, he was an impulsive fool. Instead of allowing his bravery to rule over his decisions and values, he allowed his fear to control his actions. Yet in spite of accepting this through shock, there was one thing he refused to believe as true fact, his worthlessness. That he couldn't protect his values...or those important to him. Now feeling determined once more, he angrily looked up to face his smirking advisary and opened his mouth to speak.

"I don't care!", the young Drill Sergeant shouted back to his enemy. "Even if I am an impulsive fool, I refuse to believe that I'm worthless! I can defeat you, and anyone that crosses my way!"

"I highly doubt that. After all...it was your fault that your beloved was transformed into a shadow of her former self", the satanic demon replied, his physical appearance and arrogant sounding voice beginning to fade as they were replaced by the physical appearance and angelic sounding voice of Rachel herself.

This not only surprised Patton, but caused him to quietly gasp in shock as she stood to face him with a smirk on her face, her beautiful chocolate brown eyes replaced by the menacing golden yellow eyes of Grandfather.

"And in doing so...became my pretty little pawn", she replied in the same cynical tone that the elderly villain would use.

Suddenly though, the golden yellow color reverted to her natural chocolate brown color as the young blonde fell unconscious, collapsing into the raven haired boys arms as she did so. After feeling a moment of silence pass by, Patton began to feel his fear escalating as he collapsed to his knees, cradling Rachel in his arms as he began to shake her frantically.

"Rachel!", he shouted. "Rachel, wake up! Rachel!"

And yet he received no answer. Suddenly though, the young blonde awoke, cackling evilly. And to Patton's shock and surprise, she slowly began to transform into her citizombie self. Her warm, passionate chocolate brown eyes were replaced by those horrid, cynical yellow eyes. Her soft, gentle hands were replaced by the clawed, desaturated citizombie hands. Her body aged from a youthful ten year old into the age of an old woman. And her beautiful, innocent face was replaced by that revolting, ugly citizombie face.

Upon seeing her like this, the raven haired boy felt his fear continuing to escalate once more as he came to a realization, he had failed his beloved angel. He couldn't protect her, he couldn't save her, all he could do was...watch as she transformed into this evil hag. Realizing this caused his fear to transform into anxiety, anxiety so high he couldn't help but scream to the top of his lungs in horror.

"RACHEL!", he screamed, knowing that that was all he could do.

"What?", asked a familiar angelic voice.

Upon hearing that voice, Patton began to look around at his surroundings. He lay on the couch of the Global Command lounge room, only wearing his t-shirt and cargo pants with the rest of his accessories off to the side. Then looking up, his eyes widened as he looked up to face a confused looking Rachel, or Numbuh 362, young and not at all hag like. After a small, awkward moment of silence passed between them, the young Supreme Leader opened her mouth to speak.

"Hey", she said. "Sorry to startle you, I was just coming to wake you up and then..."

The young blonde cut herself short as she noticed that Patton was panting heavily, his gentle black eyes clearly filled with fear. Already assuming what might be the cause of his fear but concerned for her friend's well being anyhow, the young blonde sat herself down on the couch and placed her hand on his shoulder, causing the raven haired boy to shift his focus towards her beautiful face.  
"Hey", she began, her voice clearly filled with concern. "Did you have a bad dream?"

"Yes", he began in a rather fearful tone. "I had that dream again."

"The one where Grandfather confronts you and-"

"Yes", he replied as he cut her off, turning his gaze away from her afterwards.

"Oh Patton...it's okay", she said in a slightly chipper tone.

"No it's not okay", he said in a stern tone, looking up to face her once more. "Everything he says in that dream is true. I'm a worthless, impulsive fool."

"Even if you are impulsive, you have to remember that you're not a fool", the young blonde stated. "Those are your own fears escalating inside of you."

"I know", he replied in the same stern tone. "But sometimes I can't help but think I am a fool, that in reality all I am is some shriveling, pathetic person who is controlled only by his own fear", the raven haired boy continued, a disappointed look clearly detailed on his handsome face as he turned his gaze away from her once more.

A moment of silence came upon the two friends as she released his shoulder from his grip, saddened that she couldn't help him since he wouldn't let her in. She certainly did not think of him as a fool, but more so only impulsive and slightly fearful, something she wanted to tell him. Yet as this thought circled in her head, so did another thought that couldn't get out of her head. Her curiosity getting the better of her, she opened her mouth to speak, ending the silence momentarily.

"Say Patton", the young blonde began as he looked up to face his friend and superior once more.

"Yeah?", he replied.

"I hope you don't mind me asking this", she continued. "But I am curious, did you happen to see me in that nightmare this time?"

Upon hearing that innocent question, Patton felt himself cringe as he looked up tp face her once more. In spite of feeling a twinge of nervousness come over him as he heard those words, he regained his cool and put on a small smile as he opened his mouth to speak.

"No...of course not.", he said in a very calm tone. "What makes you think that I saw you in my nightmare this time?"

"Well it's just that...I heard you scream out my name when I came in. Did something happen to me in your nightmare?", she innocently asked him.

But as her question reached his subconscious, the raven haired boy felt himself blank out for a moment, unsure of how to answer. True, she deserved an answer. But how could he tell her when she knew so little? How could he tell her that all of his nightmares post-ZERO involved him failing her? How could he possibly know how she'd react to what he would have to reveal to her? Sighing, the young Drill Sergeant allowed his subconscious to clear as he created the best answer he could possibly give, opening his mouth to speak as he did so.

"I can't tell you that", he replied bluntly.

"Why not?", she asked in a confused tone.

"Because I can't", he said.  
"What kind of excuse is that?", she asked in a rather stern tone, not buying that line for a second.

"I'm not making up excuses", he said in an annoyed manner.

"You're obviously in pain, so why won't you let me help you cope with that pain?", she asked.

"Because I don't know how you'll react", he said, becoming angrier and angrier by the second.

" React to what?!", she asked, her annoyance clearly becoming more visible by the second.

"I just can't, okay!?", he shouted, causing her to jump back slightly. "Rachel...I did things...things that went against my moral code and probably yours as well...as a result...I'm not sure how you'll react to what I would have to tell you...because I don't want to risk what I have with you...So please...just understand that I can't tell you..."

And with that, he hung his head in misery, beginning to drown in his own sorrow and guilt once more. Although she had to admit that she was curious, Rachel realized that it was best to respect her friend's wishes and not ask. That being said, she rested her hand on his chest and stared at the hanging head, which immediately came back up to face her once more.

"Alright then. I'll pry no further", she began in a sweet tone. "But if you ever feel like opening up to someone, just remember that my ears will always be free to listen."

And as her mouth closed upon saying her piece, Patton felt himself become touched by her words as she stared at him sweetly. Although still feeling guilt and sorrow pass through him, he could not help but feel slightly more calm as he looked into her beautiful chocolate brown eyes, his thoughts beginning to shift towards her...and what she meant to him.

" _Rachel_ ", he thought to himself. " _I'm sorry I always fail you...I'm sorry I'm not the operative you want me to be. I know I should stop trying to keep you safe, I know I should just risk telling you how I feel and give up everything I have with you, like I should with everything else...But..."_ he continued to think as he caressed her soft cheeks, surprising the young blonde as he leaned in closer towards her beautiful face.

" _Your smile...your beauty...your intelligence...your stern and assertive composure...your courage and ability to never give up...your gentle heart...your passion for justice...I want to protect it all...I want to protect you..._ " he thought as he leaned in and quickly kissed her soft forehead.

This caused Rachel to blush a light shade of pink as he leaned back, causing her to touch the kiss spot as he smirked at her deviously.

"By the way", he began. "Thanks."

"You're welcome", she said as she rested her hand on her lap once more, smirking back at him as she did so. "I'll be expecting a receipt for the kiss though."

"I'll be sure to send it to you with my next report", he replied in a devious tone.

"So, what was it that you wanted me for?", he asked almost immediately afterwards.

"Well", she began. "We just received a call from Numbuh 600 about ten minutes ago, informing us that you should have returned from your break over an hour ago", she sternly replied as she crossed her arms, causing Patton to cringe as she did so.

"Oh...right...I guess I dozed off", he replied, chuckling nervously as he did so.

"So...", the raven haired boy began as he cleared his throat. "How long was I asleep for?"  
"Well...considering that I thought you left at around nine-thirty", she said as the young Drill Sergeant cringed once more with embarrassment. "I'd say about two and a half hours."

"Two and a half hours!?", he shouted. "Well why didn't you...oh right, because you thought I'd left awhile ago", he said as she nodded her head in agreement.

"Yes, I did", she replied.

"This is going to go on my evaluation, isn't it?", he asked in a slightly nervous tone.

"It will if you don't get out of here in the next five minutes.", she said in a sweet yet somewhat stern manner.

"Right", he said nervously as he began to quickly throw on his army green coat, beige beanie, black boots and orange gloves and back-pack.

Once he finished dressing himself, the young Drill Sergeant turned back to face his superior and secretly beloved, who now sat with her arms uncrossed as she stared at him with a genuine look of concern on her beautiful face. Finding her expression calming, he flashed her a small smile as he opened his mouth to speak.

"Well...I'd better get going...Take care", he said in a low, almost melancholy tone.

"I will", she said in a rather concerned tone. "You take care too."

"I will", he replied.

And with that, the young Drill Sergeant began to walk towards the door leading to the corridor. But before walking out of the room entirely, he looked back over his shoulder to take a glance at a smiling Rachel one last time, closing the door a few seconds afterwards.

But upon closing the door, Patton hung his head in despair as he quietly sighed. As he stood there, the very visuals and thoughts from his nightmares began to dance through his head. The words of Grandfather mocking and decoding him, and the visual of Rachel becoming evil before his very eyes haunting him once more. But as these thoughts danced through his head, the raven haired boy realized that what he felt was not despair, but more so determination as he clenched his hands into fists.

"No...", he thought. "Even if it is true...I refuse to believe I'm worthless...I will protect the ones I love...even if it kills me..."

A determined look now present on his handsome face, the young Drill Sergeant began to walk down the corridor leading to the docking bay. The sorrow he had once felt had now faded completely, and in its place came determination. Determination to aspire hope and to never give up his values as a person, determination to protect those he loves, and determination to protect the one that meant everything to him.

The End


End file.
